Thank you to all of you brave and optimistic individuals who believe you just might have what it takes to climb the mountain known as the Absolute Locks' NFL Over/Under Challenge. A quick tip of the cap to our previous winners: Tim Crvarich (2009), Eric Burke (2010) and defending champion Craig Kadden. As those of you who are returning to the competition know, the fun doesn't just lie in your selections for the pool. That would just be lame (like so many of the picks I've received this year). No, the competitive advantage (to use language that any MBA candidate would love) to the Locks is that we aim to assassinate your self confidence by saddling you with an unshakable alter ego. This year, you'll all take on the role of a member of the immortal Simpsons cast. With so many nerds, geeks, losers, fruitcakes and nitwits up for grabs, you should all be in a position to take umbrage at your given characters.
For those one or two of you who are new to the
Challenge, here’s a link back to the previous two years' introductions, where we aligned the contestants with personalities from Saved By the Bell and Happy Days just to provide even more ammunition for mocking each other. LINK LINK
Please note that all Simpsons
designations are final and beyond debate.
The following represents the field that
will be competing for an Over/Under pot of $360 (18 entries). The recession must be real as the Locks pool has taken a step in the wrong direction. We're down from last year's all-time high of 21 entries. The $360 pot will be split as
follows: $290 to the winner and $70 to the runner-up. Study your
competition diligently as you never know from where the next champion
will emerge. The following are displayed in the order of finish from last season. New entries bring up the rear:
THE RETURNING PLAYERS:
Craig Kadden (Defending Champion) as Bart Simpson aka El Barto - The defending Over/Under champion is always honored with the assignment of the unquestioned alpha dog of the TV series we are profiling. Last season we gave Eric Burke the honor of Arthur Fonzarelli and the prior year had Tim Crvarich crowned as A.C. Slater. Neither repeated so we now have an unofficial Fonz/Slater curse. Good luck Kadden, you've got no shot. For those wondering if Bart really out alpha-dogs his pops Homer, we'd argue there is not much argument. Homer is lovable but Bart is a bad-ass. I'm now having visions of Craig writing the following 100 times on a blackboard after school: "I will never pick the 49ers as an Over again." Bart Simpson's Picks:
- Overs: 49ers, Giants and Texans
- Unders: Steelers, Dolphins and Jets
Mike Agostino as Homer Simpson - D'Oh! Mr. Agostino takes an unprecedented leap in credibility shifting from some Happy Days no-name (Spike) to one of the most sought-after Simpsons pairings. Like Mike, Homer embodies everything that we love in a guy. He eats without reservation, drinks relentlessly and is often being laughed at uncontrollably. (I just made all that up about Mike as I still haven't met the guy). However, the Mike Agostino that I would like to meet is all of those things. Don't take Mike's weakness for doughnuts as a weakness. This guy was one game away from taking home the crown last season. Homer's Picks:
- Overs: 49ers, Buccaneers and Texans
- Unders: Eagles, Vikings and Browns
Adam Yannuzzi as Smithers - This was one of the easier Simpsons associations to make. Adam simply oozes Smithers. He has dangerously little backbone, loves show tunes and hasn't done anything remotely interesting in years. It is amazing his participation in the O/U Challenge is still sanctioned. According to my research, Smithers' occupation is listed as "Professional Lickspittle to Mr. Burns." Once we reveal the Mr. Burns of the O/U Challenge, Adam as Smithers will make even more sense. One thing Smithers is not though is an intellectual pushover. Somehow Adam claws his way toward the top of the pool each year. We expect nothing less this time around. The Lickspittle's Picks:
- Overs: Jets, Chiefs and Falcons
- Unders: Dolphins, Panthers and Steelers
Brien Dirito as Kent Brockman - For the Over/Under's C Level celebrity (have you seen Flooding? Neither has anyone else) we award Springfield's C Level celebrity: local newsman Kent Brockman. A man who demands to be listened to and loathes being either interrupted or questioned, Kent Brockman is the perfect mirror to our own Brien Dirito. Brockman also tries to pretend that he is younger than he is and has probably gotten too much sun. The similarities just don't stop. A quick aside, even though some of Brien's earlier cinema work might have left you a bit wanting, he does have a role in the upcoming big studio release: "Of Men and Mavericks." It hits theaters October 26 and we encourage everyone to check it out. Brockman's Picks:
- Overs: Raiders, Lions and Colts
- Unders: Patriots, Chargers and Jets
John Yannuzzi as Principal Skinner - John is a father figure to most of us on the 70s Style Bush D League softball team so we keep giving him the elder statesman roles. From Principal Belding to Al DelVecchio, John has acquitted himself quite well in the Locks' Challenge each year. He'll return to the role of principal again this year as the loveable Seymour Skinner. He now wants to get his hands on Bart in more ways that one. Skinner's Picks:
- Overs: Colts, Redskins and Browns
- Unders: Dolphins, Patriots and Bears
Alex Fyfe as Itchy; Bill Fyfe as Scratchy - Man, this was a tough one. Alex enters the Challenge each year along with his father Bill. Accordingly, we strive to give them father/son characters when possible. Well the crop of Dad/Boy candidates on the Simpsons leaves something to be desired once you move past Homer/Bart. You very quickly get into the territory of Ned Flanders and his nerd sons Rod and Todd, Kirk and Milhouse Van Houten, and the worst, by far, Chief and Ralph Wiggum. Unable to disrespect two guys that I genuinely like (unlike the most of the rest of you), I abandoned the father/son requirement and went with two other inseperable characters: Itchy and Scratchy. And since Alex got the upper hand on Bill during last year's pool, we're left no choice but to name Alex as Itchy (the Homicidal Sadist) and Bill as Scratchy (Itchy's Perpetual Victim).
Itchy's Picks:
- Overs: Broncos, Colts and Giants
- Unders: Eagles, Saints and Vikings
Scratchy's Picks:
- Overs: Broncos, Colts and 49ers
- Unders: Eagles, Rams and Bills
David Dirito as Moe Szyslak - We needed a Moe - one of my all-time favorite characters - and I didn't have anywhere else to turn. I'd love to say that there were some solid underpinnings for linking David with Moe but there just aren't. The closest I can get is that anyone who has to put up with Brien Dirito as much as I imagine David does, better have easy access to a nice stiff cocktail. And who knows of a cocktail that could possibly beat a Flamin' Moe? Moe's Picks:
- Overs: Broncos, Colts and Seahawks
- Unders: Eagles, Lions and Jets
James Charlesworth as Sideshow Bob - Another of the easier ones to hand out. Anyone who knows Jimbo knows he has the ability to become his own hurricane of a sideshow. Whether it is an air guitar on a beer stained table in Lake Tahoe or just closing things down in epic fashion at the Pub, Sideshow Jim gets it done. Viewing his O/U picks leaves us to believe this is just another act in the ongoing sideshow. Bob Terwilliger's (Sideshow's real name) Picks:
- Overs: Jets, 49ers and Bears
- Unders: Raiders, Cowboys and Bengals
Mark Borton as Disco Stu - As someone who spent roughly four years of his life as someone named Stu, Mark feels like the perfect reincarnation of one of the great ensemble Simpsons characters. And has anyone seen Borty dance? The guy can go all night long. Disco Stu's Picks:
- Overs: 49ers, Texans and Bears
- Unders: Patriots, Dolphins and Chiefs
Tim Crvarich as Mayor Quinby - Mr. Crvarich, like the good Mayor, has a weakness for the occasional cocktail and misadventure. And if there is a mayoral candidate among this group who is equipped to declare meaningless holidays and undertake fact-finding missions on tropical islands, it is our man Tim Crvarich. He's looking to recapture the glory of 2009 when he won the biggest race of his life: the Locks' O/U Challenge. Mayor's Picks:
- Overs: Texans, Colts and Cowboys
- Unders: Dolphins, Jets and Steelers
Dan DeLaiarro as Nelson Muntz - We're not sure Dan has much bullying in him but we are hoping he will push around his buddy Eric Burke just a bit in this year's Challenge. After playing last year's Joanie to Eric's Fonzie and handily trouncing Mr. Burke in the year-end standings, we think it is only fitting that he exacts some revenge. That bullying will only be made easier once we see the character given to Eric below. Nelson's Picks:
- Overs: Patriots, Colts and Giants
- Unders: Eagles, Jets and Dolphins
Tim Brons as Mr. Burns - Brons. Burns. Close enough. Plus, I'm the evil dictator of this here O/U Challenge and would be willing to block out the sun and sell light to all of you for the right entry fee. Add in the fact that there are many days that I wake up feeling like C. Montgomery Burns in two important ways: being older than dirt and physically weaker than an infant. It all adds up to me. Mr. Burns' Picks:
- Overs: Rams, Jaguars and Saints
- Unders: Steelers, Jets and Titans
Bill Celli as Lionel Hutz - Bill strikes me as an impeccable salesman. That attention to professional detail puts him on par with Mr. Hutz, an attorney whose legal practice, located in a shopping mall, is named "I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!" and also offers "expert shoe repair". Hutz often tries to entice potential clients with free gifts, including a "smoking monkey" doll, a pen that looks like a cigar, an exotic faux-pearl necklace, a business card that "turns into a sponge when you put it in water," and even a almost-full Orange Julius - all tricks that I am sure Bill has employed down at Dirito Brothers. Regardless, we know that Bill's true calling is somewhat tied up in gambling so this O/U Challenge just might be in his wheelhouse. Lionel Hutz's Picks:
- Overs: Texans, Raiders and Seahawks
- Unders: Bengals, Jets and Chiefs
Kevin Pollock as Otto Mann - KP's full flowing mane of black hair provides him a common characteristic with Springfield's favorite bus driver. The similarities do not end there though. In one episode, Homer takes Lisa and Bart to the Hullabalooza music festival where attendees are partaking in all sorts of illegal substances. When Bart inquires about the smell in the air, Lisa comments, "It smells like Otto's jacket." I think KP has one of those jackets, especially after an afternoon of fantasy football drafting. Otto's Picks:
- Overs: Giants, 49ers and Saints
- Unders: Cardinals, Jets and Chiefs
Eric Burke as Milhouse Van Houten - And as we arrive at the bottom of last year's standings, we find Eric Burke, a far fall from his previous perch of defending champion. With such a reversal of fortunes comes many things but mostly ridicule. As such, he will be known as Milhouse moving forward. He'll be antagonized by us all, but especially by his buddy Dan as Nelson Muntz. A fun fact about Milhouse is that he is harmed frequently, and on some occasions is injured by dangerous hazards, i.e. being run over by a train, falling down a waterfall, being electrically shocked, having his head polished to bone, etc., but, as a lead character, always survives. Interesting, Milhouse did purchase Bart's soul for $5.00 so this whole O/U thing might just come full circle. Eric's tenure as nerd may be a short one. Milhouse's Picks:
- Overs: Texans, Rams and Broncos
- Unders: Dolphins, Cardinals and Raiders
THE NEWCOMERS:
Chris Carbonaro as Ned Flanders - We need to haze the new guys somehow and there is always the added challenge that I have no history with them by which to base their characters. So Chris gets Ned because I wanted someone to be Ned. A weaker connection is that he was brought into the O/U Challenge by Craig (Bart Simpson). Bart and Ned are neighbors and often share long, deep conversations with Ned guiding Bart down the right path. I can only hope someone is out there having a deep conversation with Craig and trying to guide him down the right path. Perhaps that person is our very own Ned Flanders. Welcome aboard Chris. Ned's Picks:
- Overs: Falcons, Redskins and Broncos
- Unders: Dolphins, Jets and Steelers
Mike Azcona and Don Dirito as Lenny and Carl - Whenever you enter a $20 pool as partners, there are serious red flags raised but we'll leave that to Mike and Don to discuss. We're just happy to have them join the fun. However, as partners, we need to assign them some characters that are viewed as "partners" themselves; two characters who do not exist on their own and only have life as counterparts to each other. We toyed around with Patty and Selma but that felt unnecessarily cruel. So we settled, with a high degree of satisfaction, on Lenny and Carl. We all need a Lenny and we all need a Carl. Let's just thank Mike and Don for giving us what we need. Now they can fight over who is who. Lenny's and Carl's Picks:
- Overs: Giants, Texans and Buccaneers
- Unders: Chargers, Eagles and Cowboys
