We Need to Find Some New Inspiration

Welcome to another Hump Day edition of the Locks. Unfortunately, we exhausted all of the classic lyrics from the Humpty Dance last Wednesday, so for today's rap-inspired picks we've had to turn to another, much more offensive, classic. Ladies and gentlemen, Luke Skywalker and the 2 Live Crew. (Disclaimer: My sincere apologies for doing this, I already feel a bit dirty.)

I arrived at her house, knocked on the door
Not having no idea what the night had it store

Unpickable Master Locks:

Kansas City @ Chicago - You can say I'm desperate, even call me perverted, but you say I'm a dog when I leave you fucked and deserted. Desperate can certainly be a word you'd use when you lead off your locks of the day with the Kansas City Royals. But with Zack Greinke rounding back into form, the only ones that will get fucked and deserted today will be the ChiSox. Zack is 2-1, 1.61 with 30 Ks in 28 innings against Chicago in four starts this year. For the unaware, that is as Nasty as He Wants to Be. Speaking of nasty, and not in a good way, the Sox start Jose Contreras. That is enough analysis. Take the Royals (-137) to win 6-2. LOCK IT UP


LAA @ Cleveland - I'm just like that man they call Georgie Puddin' Pie. I fuck all the girls and I make em cry. Since the All Star break the Angels have done a lot of fucking and the rest of the AL has done a lot of crying. Tonight is the Injins turn to get treated like a 10 cent whore. The Halos are completely rolling right now and it will take more than Cleveland to slow them down. The Indians are starting Jeremy Sowers (a lefty) against LAA. Pitching southpaws against this team is not advisable. Like letting your daughter go to the prom with Luke Skywalker. The Halos give the ball to Jered Weaver who was abysmal his last time out. We're expecting that he got that out of his system. Regardless, he won't need to be great tonight, just not terrible. Go with the Angels (-127) to win 8-5. LOCK IT UP

Colorado @ Washington - I won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad. I know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted. Won't your mom be so made if she knew I got that ass? Speaking of busted pussies, I present you with the Washington Nationals. That is not entirely fair since they have been playing better of late but it was a cheap shot I could not pass up. The Nattys turn to Collin Balester tonight and his 1-2, 6.00 stat line. That doesn't inspire confidence. In fact, it welcomes an ass pounding (don't tell Balester's mom). Jason Marquis is on the hill for the Rocks and he's getting his groove back, Stella-style. The Rocks have their sights firmly set on the Wild Card and are playing solid baseball. We don't expect the Nats to trip them up. Take Colorado (-160) to win 7-3. LOCK IT UP

Remaining Games:

Philly (-170) - this is a crazy line considering Harren is pitching against them. We love Cliff Lee.
Milwaukee (-170) - another line that is a bit bigger than I'd like
Detroit minus 1.5 runs (-125)
Toronto (-153) - Halladay tames the Sox
Baltimore (+210)
Atlanta (-180)
San Francisco (-105)
Florida (-113)
Minnesota (+113)
Chicago Cubs minus 1.5 runs (-120) - Prior might pitch a shutout. With that pen, he might have to.
NYY (-134) - Look for me sitting right beside the Athletic Supporter dugout.
St. Louis (+109)

I'm a dog in heat, a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny