LA Face with Oakland Booty

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!

That's right, it's a long overdue return to rapping hump day MLB picks. Here we go, with a little inspiration from Coolio:


Unpickable Master Locks - MLB:

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh - As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my and realize there's not much left. Coz I've been blastin and laughin so long, that even my mama thinks that my mind is gone.

The Locks imagines that the Reds' Homer Bailey was taking a similar stroll through death's valley in mid-August. He was sitting on a 2-4 record with a 7.53 ERA and had just gotten lit up yet again, this time by the weak-hitting SF Giants. But you know what? Little Homer has come full circle for the Locks this season. Whereas we used to mortgage the farm against Cincy when Bailey took the ball, we're now seeking out games he's pitching to back the Reds. A little stretch of 3-1, 1.83 over six starts will do that. There has never been a doubt about HB's ability, he's just needed to learn how to pitch at the big league level. Looks like he might have put in enough tutoring time because the results are speaking for themselves. Plus, the Reds dominate the Pirates - having won 6 straight against the Bucs. Cincy should make that 7 straight tonight and push Pitt another game closer to another 100 loss season. Take the Reds (-131) to win, 6-3. LOCK IT UP

Detroit @ Cleveland - I'm a loc'd out gangsta set trippin' banger and my homies is down so don't arouse my anger, fool. Death ain't nothing but a heartbeat away, I'm living life, do or die, what can I say. I'm 23 now, but will I live to see 24? The way things are going, I don't know.

Wee Ricky Porcello is not even 21, no less 23 but the way he has pitched as a rookie, he should be seeing 24 and 34 and maybe even 44. This guy is definitely "trippin' banger" - whatever that means. However, the biggest question for him tonight, and most nights, is whether his offensive homies will be down. With the Tigers, the answer to that question has been no more often than not this season, fool. Detroit seems to have finally realized that they are playing meaningful games in the midst of an important pennant race, so we're expecting guys like Miggy, Curtis and Placido to start to turn it on. That will be music to Porcello's ears as he locks down his third win against the Tribe this season. Take Detroit (-120) to win 7-4. LOCK IT UP

Minnesota @ Chicago - Power and the money, money and the power. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Everybody's running but half of them ain't looking. What's going on in the kitchen, but I don't know what's kickin'. They say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me. If they can't understand it, how can they reach me. I guess they can't, I guess they won't. I guess they front, that's why I know my life is out of luck, fool.

I could have sworn I heard a drunk Ozzie Guillen reiterate this passage verbatim this season. It reeks of Ozzie, right down to the kitchen/kickin' line that really doesn't make any sort of sense. The larger point though, is that Guillen thinks his guys can't and won't and that they front - none of which is good for a ball player. The Twins on the other hand are somehow playing meaningful baseball games in late September yet again. Not sure anyone really saw this happening, especially with Morneau on the shelf. Yet, here they are and they ain't going away. Tonight's starter Brian Duensing is on fire of late: 4-0, 1.45 in his last 6 starts. This one is a simple case of one team wanting the win and another team that is running but half of them ain't looking. Oh, by the way, Mark Buehrle is pitching and he has been terrible since tossing his perfect game. Take Minny (+106) to win 6-2. LOCK IT UP

Spending most our lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me*

* You only hurt yourself by disregarding the Locks' UMLs.